


jot you down in lists

by paperfairies



Category: IT - Stephen King
Genre: M/M, terrible communication, weird formatting ish
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-25
Updated: 2020-05-25
Packaged: 2021-03-03 10:15:57
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,608
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24349381
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/paperfairies/pseuds/paperfairies
Summary: Fact eleven: Sometimes, Stan thinks, with something like pain twisting in his chest, how nice it would be to love someone like Bill.Fact twelve: He doesn't like fact eleven.
Relationships: Bill Denbrough/Stanley Uris
Comments: 20
Kudos: 72





	jot you down in lists

**Author's Note:**

> Warning: mentions of low self-esteem and negative habits. take care of yourself & stay well!

**SOMETHING TO KEEP IN MIND:**

Stan thinks that the best way to solve a problem is to organize, organize, organize. Understand it, put it into simpler terms, sort it out in his head before coming up with a solution. There is no room for immediate action; doing that leaves too large of a margin for error. And he's found, in his own experience, that he would rather avoid errors. 

**FACTS ABOUT STANLEY URIS** :

1\. He is seventeen. 

2\. He is 5'9. 

3\. There are still little scabs decorating the sides of his face.

4\. They are healed over with puffy pink flesh and maroon colored dots so that they no longer bleed, but they are still there, glaring back at him when he looks at his reflection. 

5\. They mar his olive skin and remind him of irritating streaks of dirt smeared across pristine white counters -- the kind his mother scowls at and wipes away. 

6\. He counts his scars every day, and every day there are exactly 27. 

7\. They bother him in an almost unexplainable way, a way that makes him want to scrub at them with a washcloth until the skin breaks and he bleeds again. 

8\. He would rather have blood than those scabs. 

9\. The scabs make him dirty, repulsive, unsightly. 

10\. Bill Denbrough tells him that his scars aren't ugly, simply that they look like little freckles adorning his skin. He speaks of them like they are something beautiful and poetic, like something you would find in the stars. Bill doesn't see that they're only broken pieces of flesh. 

11\. Sometimes, Stan thinks, with something like pain twisting in his chest, how nice it would be to love someone like Bill. 

12\. He doesn't like fact eleven. 

**WHO WHAT WHEN WHERE WHY** : 

  1. There are two types of moments when he thinks about Fact Eleven. 


  * The bolder moments, highlighted in neon. He likes those better because maybe it's purely psychological, a trick his mind plays on him in the spur of the moment.
  * The quieter, subtler moments written in smudged pencil. He finds that those are always more dangerous.



**THE BOLDER MOMENTS:**

  1. Bill's arm shoves into Stan's chest to shield him from a psychotic demonic clown. The fear wraps around his shoulders like iron vices chaining him down, and Stan is trembling and unable to move all at once, but Bill holds his ground. Stan is still taller than him, but Bill is braver. 
  2. He stands in the doorway of the godforsaken house on Neibolt, and Bill tells him that everything is going to be okay, that he won't let Stan get hurt. Bill's face is painted in warm golden hues and is the picture of steely determination, and Stan believes him. 
  3. He is a frantic mess, and there are tears and snot and saliva and blood on his face, and he is yelling, and Bill holds him by the shoulders, whispering, "we would never leave you." 



**THE QUIETER MOMENTS:**

_1\. the inequality sign_

"You have to flip the inequality sign," Stan repeats again, and Bill shakes his head and lets his pencil drop onto the textbook.

"I-I'm actually f-f-fucked," he groans, tipping his chair back onto its hind legs. His eyes widen comically at the neat order of answers on Stan's paper. "You're done?"

"I mean, yeah, but I had some extra time to finish it, so--"

"G-god, Stan, you're such a nerd," Bill smiles lazily. 

Stan crosses his arms over his chest. "I am not."

Bill pokes Stan's cheek with his index finger. "A-as Richie would so eloquently put it: nerd alert."

He hopes Bill doesn't see the flush dusting over his skin. 

2. _the sun_

Silky purple light lays down over the bed, going to sleep over the comforter and cutting stripes into the pillows as the sun retreats. Bill snores quietly, his auburn hair a stark contrast to the palette of cool colors on Stan's bed. It's a school night, but he doesn't have the heart to wake him. He looks more peaceful than he has in weeks -- ever since the constant stream of Beverly's postcards from Portland had stopped. Stan felt her loss, too, but Bill took it harder than anyone else, seeing as they were... something. Stan doesn't like to think about it. 

He lies beside Bill carefully and studies him, his smooth, tan complexion and how easily he seems to breathe and exist. Bill is so effortless and natural as if he has a fixed place in the universe. As if he belongs somewhere and has some great purpose. He's probably filled with life and zest and hope, Stan supposes, because even as he sleeps, Bill warms the December air around them. 

And of course, Stan isn't going to say that Bill is brighter than the sun because a person can't look like a ball of gas, and well, the sun is pretty fucking bright. But in terms of nearly glowing and radiating this heat that he can't describe eloquently, he's pretty far up there. 

Bill rolls over in his sleep, his nose barely brushing over Stan's shoulder. 

Something hot pushes in Stan’s stomach, and he quickly shoves it down and looks away. His eyes meet the binder Bill had left on his floor. The edge of a card signed "Beverly Marsh <3" peaks out from underneath the plastic, and he can almost picture her beautiful mouth laughing her beautiful laugh, mocking him.

3\. _the hero_

Bill is fearless. Bold. Intrepid, even. 

_It's hero worship, nothing more,_ Stan tells himself as he lies against a flat slab of rock and watches the rest of the losers pull clothes baked from sunlight over wet hair and leave the quarry one by one. It irks Stan to know that their clothes are going to be ruined by the water already on their bodies, but recently, everything seems to bother him. Richie's askew glasses. Ben's sloppy handwriting. The crookedness of the mirror in his bathroom. The pulverized bits of sediment littering the school gym. 

"Hey," Bill murmurs, cutting off his train of thought.

"Hi." Stan squints at him, shielding his eyes from the sun with his hand. As expected, Bill's plaid shirt is already covered with dark splotches of wetness, but for some reason, it doesn't bother him nearly as much as he thought it would. 

"D-d-do you want to c-come over tonight?" he says softly like it's an intimate secret or like the others are listening in from behind the trees. His eyebrows furrow so deeply that the skin folds in the middle, and he uncomfortably shifts from foot to foot. "It's going to rain, and I don't want to be a-alone. Because of- of...o-of..." 

"Yeah," Stan finishes for him. He's painfully aware of how glassy Bill's eyes are, but he doesn't say anything, purposefully keeping his tone light. "I'll come over."

Bill's face brightens even as he paws at his eyes. "Cool. And s-s-s-sorry. Allergies get bad in the s-spring."

"Gross," Stan offers him a smile, ignoring his fallacy and pushing himself onto his feet. "You better not get your mucus on me tonight."

"Shut it," Bill laughs, and it sounds out of place in the muggy, grey weather; Bill's laugh sounds like it belongs somewhere tropical and saturated, far away from Derry. Far away from Stan. 

"I mean, really, you shouldn't even be out here this time of year. All this pollen is bound to make you--"

Bill's shoulder bumps against his playfully. "God, you can be such a d-d-d--" Bill cuts himself off abruptly, his laugh falling short. 

"Oh," he whispers quietly, his voice breaking on the syllable. His mouth pulls into a sad smile. 

"Bill?" 

Bill's face crumples, just slightly, and he recedes into a lichen-covered rock and stares at his palms. His nails have carved bright red crescent-shaped moons into the skin. The tears that had been wavering in his eyes fall soundlessly, cutting rivers through the dirt on his cheeks. "The rain always reminds me of him."

He sinks onto the floor slowly like a ribbon unraveling. Stan kneels next to him. “The other losers are gone now,” he says, trying to put as little implication into his words as he can. “They’re probably almost home.” 

Bill nods, buries himself into his hands, and cries. 

Stan crawls under the covers with him that night, thankful for the rumbling clouds that fill the silence between them. Bill's arm falls across his chest sometime around two in the morning, and he tenses. His heart beats faster, and distantly he wonders if Bill can feel it from underneath his palm. From this close, Stan can see angry gashes and scars marring Bill's hands. He feels an unexplainable urge to reach out and interlace their fingers, as if his own pristine hands could heal Bill's beaten ones. 

The fear of being caught overwhelms him, though, so he compromises by laying his hand only a few centimeters away. So that if he were to straighten out his fingers, they would touch. 

(Mentally, he crosses off "hero worship" from how he feels about Bill.)

**FACTS ABOUT BEVERLY MARSH**

1\. Beverly is beautiful. 

2\. She has hair like the edge of sunset and bright, glassy blue eyes, and a mouth shaped like a rosebud about to bloom. 

3\. Even her persistent habit of biting her lower lip and the way she smokes cigarettes (which Stan absolutely detests) manages to be lovely. 

4\. She's the kind of girl that will laugh at unfunny jokes with you in the back of science class and give you a pen when you've forgotten one. She's the kind of girl that will stand up for you without a given reason. She's brave and charming and a good person. 

5\. Stan doesn't like Beverly in that way, but even objectively, he can say that she is the most beautiful girl Stan has ever met. 

6\. Bill loves Beverly. 

7\. She is beautiful. 

8\. Stan is not. 

**THINGS STANLEY URIS KNOWS ABOUT HIS FAMILY:**

1\. His mother is perfect.

2\. His father is perfect.

3\. He is an only child.

4\. Therefore, using elementary math, it can be concluded that if he isn't perfect, then only 2/3, or 66.67 percent, of the family is perfect.

5\. 66.67 isn't a very high number.

6\. 66.67 isn't enough. 

**FACTS ABOUT THE PATTY BLUM SITUATION:**

1\. Patty Blum goes to his temple.

2\. She's 5'6, making her exactly three inches shorter than him.

3\. She has a 4.2 GPA.

4\. Her hands are thin and delicate, her hair is soft chestnut, and her cheeks bloom like scarlet flowers when Stan greets her. 

5\. The Blum family has a good name and a substantial amount of money in their back pocket. Their reputation is spotless, immaculately cleaned of any failure or embarrassment. 

6\. His parents love her. 

7\. Patty Blum makes him more perfect. 

8\. Patty Blum is perfect for him.

9\. Patty Blum, a perfectly sweet girl, _likes_ him.

10\. Patty Blum is his first kiss, short and simple and awkward on his porch after he takes her to a 5:00 showing of "Beethoven." She ruffles his golden hair a bit before thanking him and telling him to thank his parents and clambering into her brother's car. 

11\. That night, he calls Bill. 

**SOME POINTS TO BE MADE FROM THE CALL WITH BILL:**

1\. "I kissed Patty," he says into the phone. 

2\. "O-oh, th-th-that's- that's g-g-g-great." His stutter is noticeably worse. 

3\. "Yeah," Stan agrees, twisting the telephone cord into knots with his fingers. "It is. Great. Patty is great."

4\. There is withdrawn static on the other end, and Stan stares blankly at the almond-colored paint on the wall that his mother had spent hours choosing. He can almost imagine Bill moving restlessly in his bedroom. 

5\. "D-d-did it feel good?"

6\. The wall, the perfect, even wall dusted by moonlight, glowers down at him. Two words get tangled in his mouth, fighting on his tongue; one is the right word, and one is the truth. "No."

7\. "Good," Bill says and hangs up. No stutter. 

8\. He's just kissed a girl, but it's Bill's words that keep him up that night. 

**FACTS ABOUT PATTY BLUM (2):**

  1. "You should be spending more time with Patty, Stanley," his mother tells him as she passes him a serving of salmon. "She's a very nice girl." 



"Alright," he replies robotically. It's best not to argue with her when she's wearing the rosy dress with white embroidery; that means she's been feeling down and is trying to cheer herself up with expensive clothes. (That's written down on another one of his lists.) 

"I spoke with Mrs. Blum this afternoon. Patty is free on Saturday."

"I have plans with," _Bill,_ he almost says, "my friends this Saturday." 

His mother stops eating and makes eye contact with his father, who carefully sets his fork onto the table and readjusts his napkin. "Stanley, you aren't a boy anymore. You need to start thinking about your priorities." 

"It's not that we don't like your friends, honey," his mother interjects and pats Stan's shoulder. "They just aren't... Patty is a good girl." 

"Reschedule with your friends. See Patty this weekend." It's more of a command than a suggestion. 

"I will," Stan says and returns to his food because he's an obedient, grateful son. A normal son. And normal equals good. 

2\. Patty is his girlfriend by the end of the week. 

3\. It isn't like she's grown in the past few days, but she makes him feel so small. 

4\. He feels uglier, too, so he counts his scars three times in the mirror, but there are still 27. 

**THINGS ABOUT THE QUIETNESS:**

1\. Stan and Bill are the foundation of the group. 

2\. Bill and Eddie are interested in the same subjects, and Stan admittedly likes Richie even though he's a nuisance. Bill and Richie like to talk about those arcade games Stan can't bring himself to enjoy, and Stan enjoys comfortable silences and science fiction books with Eddie, and Eddie and Richie are something else entirely. But in the beginning, it was Stan and Bill. Bird Boy and Stuttering Bill. 

3\. Maybe that's why the Losers notice when Stan and Bill stop talking. 

4\. There isn't a major falling out or intense back-and-forth conflict. It happens gradually. It's a subtle nod of greeting in the hallways instead of their usual banter. It's the space between them, almost tangible and solid, when he helps Bill with inequalities and feels a discomfort that's different from fact eleven. 

5\. Richie really, really notices.

"What's up with you and Big Bill?" Richie says in a terrible attempt to be casual. Since he and Bill haven't been talking, he's been spending a lot of time awkwardly trailing behind Richie and Eddie after school. They do remarkably mundane things like shop for Mrs. Kaspbrak's favorite kind of canned soup and take long walks along Main Street. Today, they're sitting on the curb in the sweltering spring air and waiting for Eddie to come back with ice cream. 

"Um, nothing."

"Stan the Man, you never kept secrets from me before, so why start now?" he nags, his voice reaching that whiny timbre that almost hurts his ears. "Come on, Stanny, before Eds butts in. I won't tell anyone." 

He fiddles with his hands. "I don't know. We just... haven't talked a lot recently."

"Why not?"

Stan knows why. 

"I don't know," he lies. 

Richie's mouth opens to respond, but then Eddie is racing back with three cones precariously balanced in his tiny arms, melted sugar already sticking to him, and Richie's focus drifts somewhere else. 

6\. He strolls through the hallway, his hand awkwardly clasped with Patty Blum's glass fingers. She's whispering something to him about her chemistry assignment and how she's practically carrying her lab group, but Stan can hardly pay attention to her, his eyes focused on Bill walking towards them. 

_Ju_ _st say hi. Hi. Hi. Hi._

"H-hi?" he manages. Bill glances at Patty and grunts. 

"Who's that?" Patty asks. 

Stan pushes down the embarrassment, hot and bubbling like thick oil. "No one."

7\. Stan doesn't like the not-talking-to-Bill thing. He misses Bill's breathy laugh fanning warmth against Stan's face as he manages to mess up yet another inequality. He misses being underneath the same covers as him, misses his smooth skin and auburn hair and calloused hands and- 

No, he can't make another list like this. 

**REASONS WHY BILL COULD BE MAD AT HIM:**

1\. Bill has finally grown tired of Stan's peculiarness and borderline OCD and thinks that it's irritating to have to wait for Stan to reorganize his binders before class or wash his hands for an unnatural amount of time whenever they go back inside. Stan has never thought of himself as a role model for self-confidence, but this thought isn't a result of being overly negative or cynical. He admits that he's difficult, and he can't blame Bill for finally wanting something to be easy. 

2\. Maybe Stan is the one cutting him off. He's done this before and always without reason or spite, but back then, Bill would be persistent and pretend as if everything was normal until that phase passed. Maybe Bill's given up on him this time. 

3\. It's the least likely option, but he jots it down, anyways: Bill is upset about Patty Blum. 

**WHAT HAPPENED OVER NUMBER 29, PAGE 304**

1\. Setting: Derry Public Library, 6:09 PM. 

2\. "You need to f-flip the inequality sign," Bill mutters to himself, not even glancing up at Stan. "That's what you said, ri-"

3\. "Are you mad at me for going out with Patty?" Stan interjects. He hardly recognizes that he's said it until the words have reached Bill's ears. His head snaps up away from their workbook. It's careless and stupid of him; he had made a plan, a perfectly organized list to fix things with Bill, and now he's letting all of his calculations go to waste. 

4\. "W-w-well, n-n-n-n-no," Bill says, fiddling with his hands. "No. I mean, _well,_ why should I? It's... no."

5\. Before he can let the disappointment eat at him, he tries again. "Okay. Then why are you mad?" 

6\. "I'm not mad." 

7\. "Then why aren't we talking?"

8\. "God, Stan--" Bill sighs and slams the textbook closed, and Stan flinches. He vaguely motions to him with his hands, which are already marked with crescent-shaped divots. "It's because you're so perfect, with your perfect grades and perfect l-l-life and now your perfect girlfriend. And I just feel like I'm... I'm s-s-stupid and-- and ruining things for you. And it was dumb, but I just thought that we..." he gesticulates wildly between them, grappling for words, but deflates, "nevermind. I don't blame you for not wanting me around anymore."

9\. 

10\. Stan's list was wrong. 

11\. All wrong.

12\. He shakes his head slowly, all of his words coming out in a scared breath. His head is too muddled to make any calculations, to think about probability and consequences. "I do want you." 

13\. He’s rehearsed this conversation in his head about 27 times, and the ratio of failure to success is extraordinarily low. 

14\. _Please_ _don't leave. Please don't leave._

15\. Bill blinks for a moment and then gently removes Stan's hand from his jaw. He hadn't even realized he'd been scratching at his stitches again. 

16\. He touches his cheek. 

17\. "Like stars," he says softly, his thumb brushing over a scar. 

**WHAT HAPPENS AT 7:08 PM:**

1\. The falling sun blinks its hooded eyes at them as they stand outside of the library. 

2\. "We should talk." 

3\. "Yeah," Stan murmurs although he doesn’t want to. His chest clenches. "I... started seeing Patty because I didn't think I was good enough for you."

4\. "I-I mean, I didn't think I was enough for you either," Bill admits, eyes downcast. "I mean, Patty l-l-like has boobs and all, so that kind of gives her a one up on me." 

5\. Stan nods seriously. And then, after a beat of silence, he does something he didn't even conceive of putting on the list. 

He laughs. 

6\. He grins so widely that his cheeks might crack, and he can see Bill's eyebrows raise incredulously before he breaks into laughter as well. The two of them beam in the day's charred light, shades of yellow and golden hues swirling and blanketing them from the rest of the world. 

7\. "I mean it, I-I don't." 

8\. "You're such an idiot," Stan manages between hiccups, and Bill smiles crookedly, leaning his head against Stan's forehead. He can feel puffs of laughter on his lips, fanning hot air on his skin. It's more pleasant than it should be. 

9\. "I like you," Bill says softly, and it sounds so mundane, so elementary, but it really is that simple. 

10\. Bill leans forward and presses his lips to the corner of Stan’s mouth. 

11\. "You missed," Stan says flatly, but he can't help the tug on his cheeks. 

12\. Bill arches an eyebrow and tries again. 

**FACTS ABOUT STAN URIS:**

1\. He hasn't counted his scars for 32 days.

2\. He likes the way he and Bill look together, especially when their skinny knees knock as they curl up around each other underneath Bill's comforter when it rains or when their hands interlace underneath lunch tables. 

3\. He's happy in an almost stupidly ridiculous way. 

4\. He hasn't been this happy in a long time. 

5\. He's tired of lists. 


End file.
